Election High – Part 1

What if the candidates were running for president of the high school ASB or student council? Herewith their potted biographies.

The Democrats: 

Hillary Clinton – Plain Jane with coke bottle glasses. A+ student, always prepared for every test, including pop quizzes. Sits in the front seat of every class, her hand is the first one up every time, but teachers pretend not to notice. Takes copious notes and is left in charge when the teacher leaves the room. Does the homework for her boyfriend, the local lothario, who is smart, but unfocused. She has held various positions on ASB, but always as secretary or treasurer, never the top job. Ran her boyfriend’s successful campaign for Homecoming King, but later caught him under the bleachers with the head cheerleader. She has a 5.0 GPA, plays in the school orchestra(second fiddle), is adored by the administration, and feels she has paid her dues. By calling in all her favors and mobilizing the female student body, was a shoo-in for both Valedictorian and ASB president, until the arrival of the exotic foreign exchange student.

Barack Obama – The exotic foreign exchange student. Ever since he lost the glasses and suspenders because his girlfriend said he looked like Urkel, his easy grace and personal charm have made him an instant favorite with teachers and students alike, particularly incoming freshmen who have the chance to vote for ASB for the first time. President of the debate club. Has won every scholastic debate competition, although people can never remember exactly what he said, only that they felt strangely uplifted after he said it. Spent 2 weeks in Washington during one summer in Junior High, and believes the experience has prepared him to be the new ASB president. Is convinced that the school is ready for a sophomore president. Has adopted as his campaign slogan the Rodney King quote “Can’t we all just get along?”

John Edwards – Ran for vice-president as a junior, but lost because he hitched his fortunes to the other John with good hair. Their ticket was toast from the moment the incumbent, a towel snapping, wedgie giving, good ol’ boy, accused them of being soft on the local bullies from across town. Is now running as an “angry young man”. His platform includes restoring jobs that have traditionally been performed by students for extra credit – cleaning the blackboards, picking up litter in the lunchroom, being gofers for the administration – that have been outsourced to elementary school kids from another district.

Joe Biden – who?

Bill Richardson – Made a major misstep by wearing his Vote For Pedro T-shirt when Napoleon Dynamite was so five minutes ago. Has held every single appointed and elective office in the school, and some out of school, and still nobody knows who he is.

Christopher Dodd – see Joe Biden

Dennis Kucinich – The weird kid. Claims to have seen UFO’s on the football field. Wants to abolish football, basketball and all other contact sports as entirely too aggressive. Entire student body is wondering how a short, wizened elf with big ears managed to land such a hot girlfriend -with an English accent to boot.

Mike Gravel – The only candidate weirder than Kucinich. Relying on the stoner vote.