Election High – Part 2

Potted biographies of candidates for ASB president.

The Republicans:

John McCain – Oldest kid in high school. ROTC cadet. In junior high, served 30 consecutive days in detention for school prank, but got street cred for not ratting out his co-conspirators for a lighter sentence. Has a reputation for shooting off his mouth to students and teachers alike. Well liked by school reporters because he always provides an outrageous quote.

Mike Huckabee – Youth minister for local Baptist church. Surprised the entire school by being voted Most Popular after an impromptu jam on the bass guitar with the band at the Winter Formal. His reputation as a debater is based on winning arguments about evolution(he believes the bible is literally true) by simply disregarding scientific facts. His awe-shucks personality belies the fact that he actually is a hick.
Rudy Giuliani – Doesn’t miss an opportunity to remind everyone that he was a former class president in the largest elementary school in the district. Fails to mention the fact that every kid in that school considers him a megalomaniacal lunatic and hates him with a passion. Rumored to have ties to local taggers. Already on his 4th girlfriend this semester. His strategy for winning is to wait until 2 days before the election to start campaigning, hoping that the others will self destruct.

Mitt Romney – The rich kid. Ran a successful business for Junior Achievement, selling advertising space on his friends’ foreheads. Prides himself on having the best hair in school (John Edwards would disagree). Loses all his debates because he tends to agree with the last thing that anybody said. Thought he should run because he looks the part.

Ron Paul – Thinks that teachers have far too much say in student life and would turn the school over to the students if he won. Not surprisingly, has support of the punks, goths, hippies, skaters, loners in trench coats, and other non-conformists. Unfortunately, none of those tend to vote.
Fred Thompson – The slacker. Once played a president in Drama club presentation and really liked the idea. On a scale of 1 to 10 for wanting to be ASB president – 10. On a scale of 1 to 10 for working on his campaign – 2. Like McCain, Kucinich and Giuliani, has a much younger girlfriend, inspiring admiration in fellow males and disgust among females.

Mike Bloomberg – The really, really rich kid. Has switched parties as often as Mitt Romney has switched positions. Hoping to win as a write in candidate, to avoid having to spend money on a real campaign.